Bitch - Meredith Brooks/ Mister Mom - Lonestar

When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive

Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer
Crayons go up one drawer higher
Rewind Barney for the sixteenth time

Breakfast six, naps at nine
There's bubble gum in the baby's hair
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair

Before I start this blog post I'd like to just say that I started this blog due to my 'Letters to no one' as I'd call them, this is one such 'letter to no one' that I needed to write down for my own sanity. If the 'no-one' (that sounds bad but I don't know how else to put it without using their name) wishes me to remove it then I will happily, in a heartbeat without questions as to why. There will be more like this letter to different people over the course of the next few hours to make up for my posting drought so please bear with me. [1/3]

Dear ________,

I know this may seem strange and out of the blue but I've been meaning to write to you for a while. I never thought we'd end up here, or there or wherever we are right now; I've sort of lost track of our entwined lives. I saw you recently, you were drinking what I can only guess was tea (knowing you the way I used to) and I itched to come over and say hello but then you began laughing. I smiled as I watched but didn't want to disturb you, I didn't want to see the colour drain from your already pale cheeks as you saw me. I don't know how you feel about me as a person anymore.

It's hard.
I remember a time when we were inseparable. When watching movies or playing together was our usual routine. When we'd talk for hours about Harry Potter and argue which book and film were the best (Prisoner of Azkaban of course!) or we'd talk about family and laugh and cry at the way things changed so quickly. I guess we should have known that these changes would have happened to us sooner or later.

I miss you.
I guess that things never really stay the same. For so long I resented you, or so I thought. I still checked up on you and your family from time to time (thank you Facebook for helping me be a stalker since 2009 or whenever it was) and I would type out posts for the kids birthdays but never quite hit that send button.

But I'm glad I didn't.
I don't want to bring up any bad feelings/memories because I'm so proud of who you are and where you're going. I don't want to hold you back or make you feel bad. But I don't think I'll ever forget your birthday or your favourite song or the way I'd play round and round the garden on your nieces tiny baby hand whilst she'd stick her tongue out and giggle. ( A little blue-eyed blonde
With shoes on wrong
'Cause she likes to dress herself)

I miss them too.
All of them and I guess that's why I'm writing this. I was your friend when all but one of your nieces and nephews were born (but even the one I wasn't there for was a tiny ball of sassitude when I met him).  But now... now your families newest arrival will be a stranger and that really hurts. I see the rest of them and it's scary how much they've grown especially the oldest ones and that little princess, but I'm so proud of them and you as well as the rest of your family.  Maybe I'm wrong in feeling that way, maybe I gave up that right when everything happened between us but I guess it's my way of holding on to you and to our friendship.

I don't want you to feel bad or resent me.
I really do want you to be happy and I understand now (finally) that I don't have to be a part of that. I hope you're not mad at me for writing this and I'm sorry for every time I've ignored you or blanked you in the past 2 years. You will always be one of the first things that I think of when I flashback to my childhood and for that I am truly grateful.

Love always
Ellie Belly xx

 P.S. I still have the picture from your niece when she was first learning to write <3